Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
