So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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