She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
