My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I need to sanitize my soul.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
