2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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