the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
