so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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