Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
