I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
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