kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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