How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
