We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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