I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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