I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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