May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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