Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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