My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
