pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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