I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
