Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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