im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
