I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
