Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You left your phone here
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