bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
