I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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