Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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