I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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