either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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