She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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