Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
