She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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