i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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