sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
