just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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