dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
