alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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