I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
They have beer where we have blood.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
