tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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