i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
