Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
