Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
