Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
In America we eat man semen.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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