I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
