I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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