well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
