You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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