Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
