i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
