Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
