i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
