when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
