My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
